HotFlash!

It's The End Of The World As We Know It...

OK, not really, but there are some seriously screwed up things happening in my neck of the woods. And I've decided to share them with you...

Happy Holidays - Corporate America Is Insane - From The Plant Lady's Perspective:

The company I work for did some major Holiday Decor stuff for a multi-national corporation that you probably own stock in (if you have a 401-K). This company wanted decor that celebrated all relegions / ethnic groups that were observing significant holidays in December. This included Christmas, Hannaukah, and Kwannza. Here's the feedback we got this week from the contact at that account (to be fair, she is only reporting the comments that she got from employees working at the sites that we decorated):

The Menorahs - We screwed up because they needed to be lit, one candle at a time, from the left. Apparently, we lit them from the right. (But isn't that the way that Hebrew is read? I am so confused....)

The Kwanzaa Tree - First off, there is NO SUCH THING as a Kwanzaa Tree. I'm not an African-American, but I'm pretty sure this is true. The company that I work for was trying to provide a well designed icon that would make the company buying it feel politically correct. What the company buying the Kwanzaa Tree was doing was pandering to the 4 or so African-Amercans working for their company. This is pretty sad. What is even sadder is that an employee of the company buying the erzatz Kwanzaa crap bitched because the tree had fruit on it, and didn't have enough giraffes. And that employee isn't even an African-American. She just likes to bitch.

The "Christian" Tree (their words, not mine) - It wasn't CHRISTIAN ENOUGH. We spent another 500 bucks or so buying and installing Angels and Stars to make it more "Christian". Whatever that means. We charged them $1000.00. That's a lot of dough, but it's not painful enough, in my humble opinion. The person requesting this change will probably burn in hell for eternity. As well she should. I'm a pretty sad example of a Christian my own self, but even I know that Christmas isn't about trees, and stars and angels. It's about the LBJ (Little Baby Jesus), and these days, he's way too politically incorrect to install in a corporate atrium. And how sad is that?

Mommas, don't let your babies grow up to be Corporate Dorks....

The Value Of Small Truths

As a bonafide Cranky Person, I'm working out some personal irritations here tonight. Dial in later for uplifting or inspirational musings. This is pure crap, but I've gotta get it out. And that's the Beauty Of The Blog. I now have a place to do just that.

Small Truth One: Just because you have a grand life plan all worked out in your feeble little brain, it doesn't mean it's gonna work. Stuff happens, and you go to Plan B. And make sure you HAVE a Plan B. Deal with it, and quit bitching about it. And forget about the Drama Queen stuff. Nobody is listening. Especially me. I am majoring in ignoring you.

Small Truth Two: It's infinately easier to be creative and stylish and thoughtful and breezy when you don't have to handle the genuinely yucky details of everyday life (ie: laundry, cleaning bathrooms, basic automotive maintenance, bill paying, healthy menu planning, etc.) Jackie (K) O. was fabulous because she didn't have to remember which day the garbage got picked up, or when she had to have her leaves raked onto the street for the last official city pick-up. So take that and stuff it in your pill-box hat.

Small Truth Three: Quit bitching about being poisoned by rancid Tater-Tots in North Dakota (where you were forced to eat, since I was being unreasonable after going without food for 12 hours..) I held your head while you puked and made sure you were well hydrated during and after. I even bought the Gatorade, which is the elixir that brought you back to life. It was 5 years ago. Get over it.

Small Truth Four - Hanging out with morons for 11 months takes a toll. I'm losing my edge. I am becoming a moron. This blog entry probably proves that. Stop me before I put one of those hideous magnetic bow things on my car. Please.

Quick Observations On The Presidential Debate

Observation One: George W. Bush has the intellectual capacity of your average garden vegetable. And he's waaaaay too impressed that Poland is one of our strategic allies in Iraq (insert your own joke here...)

Observation Two: John Kerry is also a boob, but at least he's not George W. Bush.

Observation Three: WHO dresses Laura Bush? Frumps-Are-Us??? She appears to be a lovely woman, and she also appears to be pretty well built. Why, Oh Why, does she insist on looking like she's somebody's math tutor? I saw the dress that she wore for the Inaugural Ball in 2000 at the Smithsonian when I visited last summer. It was red, and sparkly, and FRUMPY!

And WHITE after Labor Day??? I thought that she was a card carrying Southern Girl, and they should know better...

OK, that's it...more hard-hitting political analysis to follow in later posts...

Ya Get Whatcha Pay For

Hair.

This is a huge issue in the world of The Middle Aged Woman. Terrible things happen. It stops shining. It gets gray. It begins to live a life of it's own on top of your head. And it's not a good life...

My sad story began about 2 years ago. My favorite hair salon went belly-up overnight. These were the people that, for almost 8 years, used their superior knowledge of alchemy to keep my hair looking wonderful. Suddenly, they were gone. I have been wandering through a sea of bad hairdressers ever since, with increasingly bad results. Last week I came to the very distressing conclusion that I looked like a trailer park resident that had just gone thru a really bad tornado. My look had descended into "White Trash Bo-Riks Bottle Blonde". Something had to be done.

So I did it. I found a Chi-Chi Salon that specializes in transformatons. The colorist/stylist is the bastard that used to own my former salon. As a human being, he is a scumbag. As a hairdresser, he is a wizard. This evening I spent 3 hours, and untold hundreds of dollars, getting back to normal. And I feel great.

The color is fabulous, the cut is wondeful, and now I can face the world tomorrow knowing that I look magnificent.

The funny thing is that nobody is going to notice. My DBF didn't tonight...(I got the boiler plate reaction of "You look beautiful Hunge, pass the potatoes), my family won't (they still think I look and act like I'm 9, God love them...), and everybody at work will just think that I FINALLY washed my hair...

And the really good news is that I'll have to go thru this hair ordeal again in 6 weeks. I've made the appointment. It's just the right thing to do.

Don't Let The Bastards Get You Down

That was one of my dear departed Dad's most memorable sayings (along with "Never trust a fat preacher", but I'll do my relegion rant in a later post). This is good advice, but this afternoon I'm having a little trouble following it.

The Bastards in question on this particular Sunday afternoon are the sleazy Republicans that are attempting to besmerch John Kerry's Vietnam war service record, the ones that sit on my local school board, and the ones that currently make up the city council in my town. I will address each one individually:

REPUBLICAN BASTARDS: I just finished reading the front page of the Sunday Chicago Tribune. The lead article is titled "Swft Boat Skipper: Kerry Critics Wrong: This I What I Saw That Day". It's written by William Rood, the Metro desk editor of the paper. He also happens to be one of the three swift boat captains (Kerry was one too, the other one was killed during the war) involved in the battle in 1969 that the The Republican Bastards are trying to make such a big deal out of. In the artical Mr. Rood attempts to give a balanced and truthful account of what happened that day. (As much as he can considering that 35 years have passed...) I think that his piece accomplishes that task. It's also served to confirm my sneaking hunch that all of this supposed controversy about Kerry's performance in Vietnam is about deflecting the fallout coming down on the Bush Administration about the totally insane war in Iraq.

I am not a huge Kerry fan, but I'm sick and tired of the depths to which this administration will sink to win this election. Therfore, I'm voting for Kerry. It's not as much an endorsement of him as it is a vote against Dubya and his merry band of moronic, power mongering, rich, white fratboys. BASTARDS!

SCHOOL BOARD BASTARDS: My local school board wants to raise my property taxes about 250 bucks a year so that they will have enough money to raise the salaries of their already overpaid District Administrators. By raising their 6-figure salaries a tad, they hope to entice the Administrators to early retire, leave with newly inflated monthly pension amounts, and get them off the regular payroll. Over time, this would give the school district more money to spend foolishly. The beauty part of this is that I get to pay TWICE - first thru the hit of the increased salary (this is short-term, and will only hurt for a year or so...). and then take the hit for the inflated pension amount (a long-term, chronic pain in the ass that I and my fellow tax-payers will suffering with for the next 20 years or so...)

I will be voting AGAINST this property tax increase. If I thought for one nano-second that any of this money would be going to the KIDS or to the CLASS ROOM TEACHERS, I would reconsider. But it won't and I won't. BASTARDS, BASTARDS!

LOCAL CITY COUNCIL BASTARDS: The city council in my town is made up of 6 aldermen/alderwomen, a city manager, a sleazy city lawyer, and a mayor who is there because the former one died in office before his term was up. I won't go into the many insane proposals that this governing body has served up in the last 12 months, but suffice to say, lots of them have been pretty ridiculous.

I'll give you just one tiny example of the character of one of our City Council members. It's a short but sad story about the guy who is the alderman of my ward. He is currently being sued for sexual harrassment by a female, and former, city hall employee. Allegedly, last Christmas at the annual city hall holiday party, my sleazebag alderman (who was dressed up as Santa at the time) asked her to "sit on my jingle bells". When she politely refused, he wrestled her into a corner, and tried to smooch her up. She managed to escape what would have been sure-death-by-grossout. This bastard does not deny that the incident occured, but claims that his actions were innocent and misunderstood. (I think I UNDERSTAND what "sit on my jingle bells" means....) In any case, she filed a complaint with the city's Human Resources department.

In a bizarre twist, the city HR manager AGREED with Alderman Santa. He stated that his intentions were innocent, and the deed done for laughs. The HR dude then suggested that Alderman S. simply write the little lady a note of apology, and once done, all would be forgiven. She got the note, and then promptly got legal assistance. The outcome of this little drama is still pending, and everyone is being very quiet about it. We may never know the resolution of this little incident, but I'll bet it will involve large sums of tax-payer bucks being sent to the former city employee.

I'm telling you all this because last week, Alderman Santa proposed a salary hike for the City Council members for fiscal year 2005. A 30% salary hike. The Council needs to vote on the proposal very soon for it to be included on the ballot in November. I have every confidence that they will approve it.

Guess what? I think that what Alderman Santa needs is a COLD SHOWER and a good FLOGGING, not MORE MONEY! I will be voting against any salary increase for our venerable City Council members. BASTARDS, BASTARDS, BASTARDS!

I can say with all honesty that I am truely looking forward to November. Have a pleasant Sunday.