HotFlash!

Puberty In Reverse

I've noticed a change in myself recently. Where I was once pretty even tempered, I'm now prone to periods of intense crankiness. I used to be able to tolerate all manner of morons, bad manners, right-wingers, and general thoughtlessness and ineffiencienty. These days, I feel like my head is going to blow off my shoulders when confronted with any or all of the above. Along with the hotfashes, I'm experiencing episodes of white hot rage at all manner of (my perception of) human foibles.

Spending the rest of my life as an angry old lady was not in my life plan. I thought that since I'd always tried to be liberal, open-minded and free thinking, that being a pain in the ass was not in my future. I was wrong. I am there. And my friends and loved ones are suffering my wrath.

It is with great relief that I can report that this is (apparently) a natural phase of the pre-peri-full-metal menopause experience.  I did a little research this weekend on both the net and at the actual library. I'm pleased to announce that, based on my reading, I'm not going insane. I won't be a bitch forever. The only thing I can really do about my present state is to sit back, tolerate the ride, and try not to alienate fellow human beings.

It's all about hormones. Mine are currently abandoning the fort and forcing me to fight the war alone. When I was 13 I wore myself out trying to figure out what the war was about in the first place, and then had to handle the ensuing invasion. At least the hormones kept me looking good then. They are most assuradly starting to fail me now.

I won when I was 13 (nobody died, and my friends and family still loved me), and I'll win again. Or at least that's what the books said.

Based on my research, HRT (horomone replacement therapy) is a double-edged sword against the symptoms. The therapy relieves some of them, but introduces other risks. And when the war is over, it appears that most women revert to the personalities they had from the beginning anyway. So, unless the experience is totally unbearable, why take the risk?

So pass the flaxseed and soy milk. Oh yum. This sucks.

Holiday Nomenclature In Plant Land

I love learning new words! And after spending several decades as an Information Technology Professional, it's refreshing to hear new jargon that isn't reduced to three letter acronyms. I've learned a number of new words and phrases from my fellow Plant People this week, and now I'm gonna share them with you. Embrace them and expand your vocabulary.

Becker Boxes - You know all of those fake Christmas packages you see under those fake Chrismas trees at the mall? Those are Becker Boxes! They are (obviously) made by a company called BECKER, and are ingenious in design. They're covered in seasonal fabric that appears to be impervious to almost anything (except maybe Nukes), and have their wide gold ribbons sewn into the box seams. When broken down, they're flat and unimpressive. When they magically spring to life, they look like REAL gifts. Just add a big, flashy bow, and you have instant Christmas.

Ting Ting - This stuff is used to dress up plants and flowers. It looks like a sprig of metallic plant material from Mars, but when you stick it in a pot, it transforms plant life into something festive. Amazing.

Fluffing - No, it's not done with your dryer, and it's not a profession in the porno movie industry (OK, maybe it is, but the law prohibits you from doing that kind of fluffing in a mall...). I'ts what you do to holiday trees, and garlands and wreaths to make them appear more life-like. And it's hell on your hands. Wear gloves, and pack lots of Vaseline Intensive Care lotion. You're gonna need it. (Come to think of it, using gloves and Intensive Care is probably a good idea regardless of the kind of fluffing you're doing...)

Buttons - That's what they call the puffy loops in the middle of a glitzy bow.

Scatter Snow - Irredescent flaky material that you scatter (like snow) around Christmas trees to make tree skirts glitter and glow. It's like fairy dust, and you'll feel just like Tinkerbell when you use it.

Goddamsonofabitchmyfeetarekillingme - What everybody is muttering after 8 hours of standing on concrete while making Becker Boxes, placing Ting Ting, Fluffing, making buttons, and scattering snow. Hey, it's not all roses out there. Even being an Elf has a downside.

OK, now lets all get out there and DECORATE!

Golden Friendships

I heard from a dear friend, and a beloved sister, tonight. I just felt the need to post this. She'll understand why.

The Delta Zeta Creed

To the world I promise temperance, and insight and courage, to crusade for justice, to seek the truth and defend it always.

To those whom my life may touch in slight measure, may I give graciously of what is mine.

To my friends, understanding and appreciation, to those closer ones, love that is ever steadfast.

To my mind growth, to myself faith, that I may truely walk in the light of the flame.

No Pill's Gonna Cure These Ills - Plant Land Update

For all of you “As The Greenhouse Turns” fans out there, I thought I’d share a few updates on the happenings in Plant Land. I just know I’ll probably be buried alive with your clamor for more of this kind of news in future posts. And it’s a risk that I’m willing to take.

The Demise Of The Branch Manager From Hell - (You remember her: fake Brit accent, Barbie complex, Tinkerbell fetish, no business skills whatsoever…): She got fired about 6 weeks ago. Sacked. Shit-Canned. Dumped. Most likely a direct result of her pounding shots of vodka at staff meetings, but welcomed none the less. Actually, “welcomed” does not begin to describe the reaction of our branch staff when they heard the news. Dancing, singing, wild giggling and overt rejoicing was what really happened.

The Aftermath Of The Demise Of The Branch Manager From Hell – Not all that good either, but a refreshing change from being tormented daily. The branch is now being run by her three (former) direct reports. They’re all good people, but they’re good people who are in dire need of leadership. Since they currently have no leadership, wackiness is ensuing.

The Ensuing Wackiness – As luck would have it, this has all come down just prior to the busiest season of the year for people in The Plant and Interior Design Biz. IT’S CHRISTMAS! Since a whole snoot-load of money is out there to be made this time of year (you would not believe what big corporate entities are willing to spend to decorate an atrium or a mall for The Holidays), everybody is going nuts getting orders, making Christmas décor, organizing it all, and shipping it out. This process never goes smoothly, but is even crazier when you have at least 3 opinions on how everything should be handled.

The Sad Part – Since I am brilliant, I KNOW how this should all be done. Sadly, I’m just the clerk (my temporary title is Christmas Coordinator, but I’m just a figurehead), and nobody is listening to me.

My Solution – Drink beer, post my frustrations to my blog, and just sit back and watch the madness. Actually, sometimes it’s pretty entertaining. I’m currently getting a huge kick out of watching my boss try to out-shout our staff designer (you remember him: gay, Mexican and high-strung) over which kind of ribbon should be used to decorate the festive tree being installed in a local hospital Fertility Center. The designer thinks that Blue and Silver is too cold. I agree with him. For people trying to make babies, I think that Red and Gold are the absolute best choices (Mucho Caliente!)

The Bottom Line – I would rather endure the Christmas Crazies with The Plant People 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, than spend one more nanosecond trying to manage an Information Technology Department Project Death March. So all in all, life, as always, is good.

Thanksgiving - And So it Begins...

The Holidays, that is...always a time of mixed blessings.

My topic of concern tonight is Thanksgiving. My all-time favorite holiday. When it goes well. Which rarely happens, but when it does, it's wonderful. We had a good time last year. I fear that this year I won't.

Reasons That I Love Thanksgiving:

* It gives you an official reason to actually take a few minutes out of your hectic schedule to consider all of the good reasons that you are happy that you are alive, well, living on this planet, in this country, and in this century. This is a good thing.

* It gives you an official reason to consider all of the people in your family, and take time out of your hectic schedule to consider how much you treasure them. and all of the ways (positive and negative) that they impact your life. This can be a good thing. Sometimes it's not. Let's concentrate on the good things for the moment.

* The food that is traditionally served is your favorite stuff. Turkey, dressing (or stuffing - your choice), starchy tubers, gravy, and cranberries (ooooooh, I love cranberries). It's the only time of the year that you CRAVE pumpkin. This is all good.

Things that I Don't like about Thanksgiving:

* The fact that our family is getting smaller all of the time. This year we won't have any nephews joining us (one has his own independent life, and one is spending his holiday with his Dad and paternal grandparents, due to a recent divorce in the family). A beloved sister has moved to sunnier climes, and is no longer going to be here to share in the celebration. My Hunge (DBF, Sweet Baboo, Significant Other) is not welcomed at official family celebrations where my mother is in attendance. (Long story..)

* My current abode is simply too small and too disorganized to host the event, regardless of the warring factions that would be invited. Which makes it impossible anyway, so I'm going to stop beating myself up about it.

* We don't have enough strays (beloved friend that are be-rift of family here) to invite to ease the tension. (OK, I know that's a lousy reason to invite friends for Thanksgiving, but it's the truth...) Regardless of venue.

My Thanksgiving Solution:

This year I am going to politely suggest that we (the 4 of us) just go out to dinner. I need to find a restaurant that understands that some families  just can't establish or maintain the appropriate Thanksgiving Dinner Guest quota. But I'd still like it to be a meal that's festive and happy and gives us all reason to give thanks. I have to believe that in a city of 3 million people that a place like that exists.

And has parking....

(Hot)Flash Update - The Best Election Broadcast So Far...

And the winner IS:

WYCC in Chicago!

This is the stepchild PBS station in The Windy City. It's run by the Chicago City Colleges, and is always an excellent alternative to WTTW (the official, hootsy-snootsy, and very badly run, Chicago PBS station...)

Tonight, WYCC turned their Election broadcast over to a combined team of journalism/media students from Northwestern University, Columbia College, and the Chicago City Colleges. (EDITORIAL COMMENT: This is equivalent to a team consisting of Queen Elizabeth, Fergie, the Dutchess of York, and The Villiage Idiot...)

It has been, and currently is, wildly entertaining. Three of Northwestern's finest student anchors-in-training are orchestrating the production. They frequently cut away to Columbia students at remote locations in Chicago who are covering local elections. The remote correpondants all wear headgear with microphones attached, none of which work. They also carry hand mikes that do. Thankfully, since they're interviewing a lot of second tier politicians, sound is not that important. The Chicago City College people appear occasionally in pre-recorded and totally politically correct analysis pieces.

Highlights SO FAR tonight:

* The Anchors - They're named Sarah, Leland, and Josh. (Leland? ) Josh is the lead anchor, and can speak in complete sentences. Leland is very cute. He speaks clearly, but makes no sense. Sarah is just trying to keep the two of them from chewing up the scenery...

* My Favorite Remote Correspondant - Her name is Arista O'Grady. She just asked U.S. Representative Jesse Jackson Jr. if he felt he was a "clear vector" in his race for re-election. Jesse Jr. was very polite, and reiterated his stance on a third airport in Metro Chicago. He did not admit to being a vector.

* They are broadcasting from The Garry K. Marshall Studio. (Isn't he Penny Marshall's brother? The one who played Laverne on "Laverne and Shirley?" Does he understand what "Hassenpheffer Incorporated" means????)

* The Chicago City Collge group represents every socio-ethnic group in the region with the possible exception of hormonally challanged middle-aged female suburbanites (damn, the one group I actually BELONG to!)

That's all for now. I need to get back to WYCC for more late breaking, and frequently hilarious, election coverage. Which I promise to share with you.

Let's Get This Party Started!

As much as I loathe the days that lead up to a major National Election, I totally adore Election Night!

There’s just something about seeing almost every network in existence broadcasting different versions of the same event that just entertains the hell out of me. It’s fun to watch the national broadcast people scratching for anything that even resembles a story. And it’s double extra fun to see the local Chicago TV reporters digging up interesting tidbits about the races here at home.

I’m looking forward to hearing Tim Russert’s (the Face The Nation Dude) take on all of the madness. I’ll probably shed a tear or two as well, since this will be Tom Brokaw’s last stand before he checks out and takes up exciting retirement avocations like ceramics and shuffleboard. And I just love the way one of our local NBC guys here (The-Fabulous-and-Too-Cute-To Be-A–Middle-Aged-Guy) Ron Magers does Election Night coverage. It’s the one time every four years that he seems genuinely engaged in his job.

So turn on the TV, and pass the popcorn…it’s gonna be a LONG night….